Friday, March 29, 2013

moving on and forward

Hello, memories and everyday thoughts.

This is a goodbye.

Seven years din akong nagsulat dito. And I think, it's about time. I am not leaving writing - lilipat lang ako ng lugar. Somewhere cleaner, with an ambiance that can convey my thoughts clearer. Matagal ko na ding pinaplanong iwan ka, my naiveté, at sa tingin ko ngayon kaya ko na.

Kaunti na din ang nasabi ko sa'yo tungkol sa akin for the past year (two/three years?). Alam mo din naman ang reasons, based sa drafts na iiwan ko sa'yo (will be left unpublished; those will remain our secrets). I guess I owe you something, some things - my musings, my wanderings, my life. To repay you, I'll continue spilling my soul with the use of words. Just, through another place. You understand, right? Bibisita ka naman din dun, I'm sure.

Sumulat ka ha. Here's my new address:



http://notesfromivan.wordpress.com/



I'll be back from time to time.

It had been fun. See you, and thank you. :)

Sunday, March 17, 2013

the talks after

@: "Hello."
^: " Hey."
@:  "I didn't think you'd be here - still be here."
^: "Well, I have my reasons. Where have you been, anyway?"
@: "I'm not sure myself. I was, kind of, sort of, I think - lost."
^: "Mmm. How could you be lost?"
@: "Er - after everything that has happened to me, I can still be lost, you know."
^: "I thought you've learned - we've learned - from all those. I guess, figuratively, we're still too young. And still finding our way."
@: "Sigh. Who isn't."

@: "I saw things. Did things. Chased; and sometimes, ran away."
^: "I can't blame you."
@: "I know you told me long ago that's it's better to chase something than run away from something. But, it doesn't always work."
^: "What do you mean?"
@: "There are certain times that it would be better to just.. run far. Accept truths. You know, it's not cowardice - there's nothing bad about retreating. It just shows you're true enough to admit that it's enough. I know I can't put it to words easily.. but, you get the point, right?"
^: "I think I do."
@: "Do you think I did the right thing?"
^: "In a way. Just.. you shouldn't run too far that you forget the reason you're running away."
@: "Yes. And I haven't."
^: "Keep the reasons. Because the next time you come to a similar situation, you'd have something to hold on to - a memory, the feeling, anything connected to it - that will help you grow and learn."

^: "Stay awhile. And, anyway, you look weary."
@: "I feel tired. It wasn't supposed to be this way."

^: "To tell you the truth, I feel the same way."
@: "Because of..?"
^: "Waiting. For you to come back - for time to tell its reasons - I don't know, explanations?"
@: "I searched for answers. Now I have more questions. I guess wandering around isn't always a picnic."
^: "And then in-between those pauses, I ask the age-old question we ask when we're stuck - how come we mostly don't get what we're finding?"
@: "I think I can answer that for you."
^: "Tell me, then."
@: "Because most of us are - in one way or another - afraid of what's next."
^: "That's abstract."
@: "Put it this way: after you get your answers, see what you're looking for - what happens next? You find your dream, your goal, and after that, there's nothing for you to find anymore."
^: "But isn't that why we're seeking? To understand?"
@: "The pleasure of a dream is that it's a dream. When it becomes a reality, it's not a dream anymore."

^: "Then I guess it's better to leave some questions unanswered."
@: "Yeap. Some.."

@: "Tell me something."
^: "Mmm?"
@: "How come you waited for me?"
^: "You really want to know?"
@: "Will I ask if I didn't?"
^: "Well.."
@: "Well?"
^: "..It's because I know you so well."
@: "I don't get you sometimes, you know.."
^: "It's like - you know, watching fireworks. You fly, soar - reach somewhere deep - and then, flashes of light.."
@: "And then after I dance in the sky, I vanish to nothingness?"
^: "No. You become these little specks of dust - parts of a whole - and then descend back down to earth."
@: "To mix with sand."
^: "To walk back to me. And, more than before, you're all around. Everywhere, even if unseen. And, for me, that's better than you dancing in the sky or something. You coming back."
@: "You're the first I've heard that thinks of a firework after the illuminations."
^: "Yes, and that makes me weird."
@: "I meant thank you."
^: "I know that too. You've never been really good at expressing your thoughts and feelings."

^: "How do you feel?"
@: "Safe. Despite all these, I feel safe."

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

from memories

Not exactly accurate, but this is what I remember.

"So, what did you want to ask me?"

It was some afternoon, beside chock-fulls of window panes. The place was cozy and fuzzy despite the background commotions. The people around us were busy, because they needed to be. Even so, some were passing by, taking a glance at us and making guesses; while some were like us, talking and laughing senseless. I was sitting on a wooden chair and she was right next to me - a little bit livelier than I was that time but still serenely quiet, and - beautiful, as always.

She moved closer. "What did you want to ask me?"

I hesitated. There was a question, were some questions, that I wanted to ask her, not because I needed an answer but because I wanted to hear her thoughts.

"If I asked you, would you answer? I mean, truthfully?"

She gazed on thin air. "If I could answer you, of course."

I studied her. Her hair fell gracefully down her face. The light of the afternoon sun made her skin look creamy and soft, like warm milk on a pleasant morning. Her expression spoke of wondering curiosity and a hint of a pure child hidden behind an adult's mind. Sigh, my dear dear God, she's beautiful. Her face was a bit rosy - if she did wear makeup that day or not, I guess I'll never know.

"I don't know, I'm not sure if I wanted to ask this, really," I mumbled, distracted between the torture of shying away from asking and her bright presence. I sometimes wonder if she's really human with her luminescence.

"Go ahead. If you should know, this has been bothering me for days. You said you'd ask me something. You promised."

Oh yeah. I promised. I thought, really, women have a way of complicating things. Or so I heard.

A lingering pause, and then -

"Are you happy?"

She looked a little surprised - because of the suddenness of my sentence, maybe. "That was your question?"

"Well, there are others more, but it could be considered the first."

I thought she'd take a while to answer back, considering the circumstances we're at, but she answered me quite quickly with poignancy in her pair of expressive eyes.

"I don't know. I guess I can't say that I'm entirely happy."

She answered immediately, but it was an uncertain answer. I thought of the things she had already told me, those tales of her misgivings and her doubts, of her feelings which were held inside. She had once told me that she found it difficult to express herself to others - maybe I was one of those cases.

She continued. "There are times when I am truly happy. But you could say I'm not really entirely happy. Sometimes I am, sometimes I am not. I don't know.. recently I haven't been, I guess."

I was lost in thoughts on what she just said when she spoke again.

"But, you know, I don't really think about it much."

"Why?"

"There are other reasons to be happy, so why go over those that aren't?"

I looked at her. She was smiling slightly. I must've heard that set of words a billion times already. There are a lot of reasons to be happy. But there was something magical when it came from her. Somehow it sunk me into a trance believing that there really are reasons. Wait, who am I kidding here? I'd probably believe anything that came from her. She had a way about her that made you feel alive.

I gave her smile back to her. "Really now."

She was almost laughing. "Of course."

I had no idea what she was thinking of at that very moment. Perhaps she's wandering off to her past. Was she taking it from experience? I stole a glance and found her again emanating her usual warm, gentle atmosphere. How could she be so nostalgic and bubbly at the same time?

I couldn't help it. I wanted to know more.

"Tell me how to be happy."

She pored over my question. "To be honest, I'm not sure myself."

Now it was my turn to chuckle, a little. "You said there were reasons."

She tucked some strands of her hair towards the back side of her ear. "Reasons differ from people to people. But, well, I have some."

"Teach me."

With a tender smile, she looked at me.

Monday, October 31, 2011

the wizard of oohs and aahs and faa-la-las [abridged version]


random photo find

i wrote a whole post about our jason mraz concert experience. pero saka ko na ulit ipapublish. i want this to be our little secret, at least for a while. :)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

dahil mahilig kang magbenta ng bond paper.

specific sa isang tao ulit ang post.

ang tagal-tagal ko na dapat ginawa 'tong birthday gift na 'to. pero kasi simula nung days before birthday mo, hanggang kahapon, wala na kaming internet/matinong internet, kaya hindi ko siya masulat-sulat ng maayos. ang tagal na din kasing naka-tengga ng pictures na gagamitin ko sa post na 'to sa desktop ko kaya sige gagawin ko na.

ngayon malalaman mo kung anong itsura mo not from the mirror but from someone else's eyes. mine.

isa ka sa mga pinaka-unang naging kaibigan ko sa B. dahil siguro pamula pa third year college, kagrupo na kita sa lahat ng laboratory groupings natin. at naalala ko pa, sobrang kulit mo noon. at sobra ding bully. inaaway mo ako palagi at ako ang pinagagawa mo ng conclusions ng reports natin (wala pa kasi si canoy nun). pero isa ka sa kakaunting tumatawag sakin by my first name simula pa dati. naaalala ko pa, sinabi mo sakin nun na ayaw mong tinatawag ang tao by his/her last name. ako din naman ganun. kaya nga sa isang dagat ng tao na tumatawag sa akin ng "bicol" at "bics", euphoria na ang marinig na may tumatawag sa akin ng "ivan". wag mo 'to pansinin, one of the simple joys in life ko lang 'to.



simula pa din noon, naramdaman ko na na deep ang pagkatao mo. na act lang ang pagiging maldita mo. sa totoo lang isa ka sa mga pinakamababait sa classroom, at isa ka din sa mga pinaka-approachable. wala ka kasing arte sa katawan, walang bias, maganda ang breeding, at may solid morals. steady rin ang mga pananaw mo sa buhay kaya nakaka-inspire minsan makinig sa sermons mo. i know you'd find this hard to believe pero isa ka sa mga pillars ng section natin, na tinatawag mong pamilya natin. hindi ka nadadala ng kung ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid mo at hindi ka napepressure gawin ang mali kasi alam mo sa sarili mo kung anong gusto mong mangyari.

you're undoubtedly one of the more mature individuals of my friends, of our classmates, at kakaunti lang kayo. siguro kasi alam mo ang both sides of the coin regarding a lot of things: kung paano magsikap at maging maswerte, kung paano maging broken inside at maging sobrang saya, kung paano bumagsak at lumipad, things like that. sa tingin ko nga para kang katulad ko: mukha kang walang pakialam sa mundo at walang mindbreaking at gut-wrenching experiences, pero on a closer touch, madami ka na din nalaman, natutunan at naranasan. kaya siguro strong ka.

hindi ko din makakalimutan ang open-up natin sa isang maduming bench sa calaruega. ikaw lang talaga ang tao sa buong mundo (maliban sa mga taong involved sa storya ko) na nakakaalam ng buong tale na sinabi ko sayo, yung walang director's cut, lahat ng details sinama ko. and i'm quite happy na ikaw ang sinabihan ko, kasi alam mo ang pakiramdam ng katulad ng naramdaman ko nuon. at wag ka mag-alala, yung sinabi mo sa akin doon, itatago ko ng sobrang ingat. i then carried a part of your being with me. and i'm happy for that.



salamat sa lahat ng pagtulong sa akin. salamat din sa walang sawang pakikinig. o nagsasawa ka na ba? hahaha! ikaw naman kasi din ang may kasalanan, marunong ka kasi mag-appreciate ng efforts na ginagawa ng tao at marunong ka makinig. pero sana ituloy mo lang yang kasalanan mong yan. pag ikaw naman ang nangailangan ng makikinig, sabihan mo lang ako. tsaka sorry na din kapag kinukurot kita. para ka kasing stuffed toy. ang lambot. hahaha. videohan mo nalang sarili mong nagbebenta ng bond paper para naman matawa ako.



belated happy birthday, jah. mahal kong kaibigan, eto lang ang nakayanan kong birthday gift sa'yo. pasensya ka na. at sana isend mo sa akin yung retreat letter ko galing sa'yo na hindi ko naman nabasa. di ko naman kasalanan at ginusto na nawala yun e.