mirrors

I: "Hey."
R: "What is it?"
I: "Wait."
R: "Why?"
I: "No special reason. Just.. wait. And think things over."
R: "Go away."
I: "Hm? Can't you see? I thought you were pretty open-eyed about things."
R: "Well, yes. But, I don't know - everything just feels surreal now. As if I'm living somebody else's life. Like I'm in some kind of a dream. So, I want to do something."
I: "What's the matter, anyway?"
R: "Nothing's wrong, really, seriously. It's just that nowadays I always feel the desire to just.. disappear. To be a ghost, completely anonymous."
I: "That's funny news. I know this isn't the first time you felt something like that."
R: "That's not all. I realized something. Er, some things.."
I: "Let me hear it, then."
R: "What's the matter with you? I was asking you to go away, numbskull."
I: "I'm not going anywhere. Simply put, I can't. You know the reason why."
R: "..I guess you're right. But it does not at the very least make me glad."
I: "So, what about it?"
R: "Well, to sum it up for you.. people change. And change is constant."
I: "You mean.."
R: "A time comes when you feel the need to change. To do something.. different."
I: "Explain."
R: "Okay, take it like this: you can't say something's ugly unless you see something of its equal, but - it's beautiful. You can't say something's bad if you haven't seen the good. You can't compare things when what you could only see is one part of the whole."
I: "You're saying.."
R: "The extremes. Sometimes, you change things to.. know more. To see things from another perspective."
I: "Are you sure you're not just being irrational or being sentimental or hyperventilating and shit like that?"
R: "No. I'm well aware of what's happening, thank you very much."
I: "And this isn't just something to take your mind off things?"
R: "Not at the very least. I'm doing this for myself and not for any other reason."
I: "What do you think could be the outcome of this?"
R: "Erm. Pain. I told you I'm well aware, didn't I?"
I: "Thought so. And you're okay with that?"
R: "I guess. We'd learn, anyway."
I: "You and your 'we'."
R: "Now look who's talking. We're the same, aren't we? That's why you said you can't go anywhere away."
I: "Do what you want. It's not like I could do something about it."
R: "Well, you're right, I guess."

the wizard of oohs and aahs and faa-la-las [abridged version]

random photo find

i wrote a whole post about our jason mraz concert experience. pero saka ko na ulit ipapublish. i want this to be our little secret, at least for a while. :)

dahil mahilig kang magbenta ng bond paper.

specific sa isang tao ulit ang post.

ang tagal-tagal ko na dapat ginawa 'tong birthday gift na 'to. pero kasi simula nung days before birthday mo, hanggang kahapon, wala na kaming internet/matinong internet, kaya hindi ko siya masulat-sulat ng maayos. ang tagal na din kasing naka-tengga ng pictures na gagamitin ko sa post na 'to sa desktop ko kaya sige gagawin ko na.

ngayon malalaman mo kung anong itsura mo not from the mirror but from someone else's eyes. mine.

isa ka sa mga pinaka-unang naging kaibigan ko sa B. dahil siguro pamula pa third year college, kagrupo na kita sa lahat ng laboratory groupings natin. at naalala ko pa, sobrang kulit mo noon. at sobra ding bully. inaaway mo ako palagi at ako ang pinagagawa mo ng conclusions ng reports natin (wala pa kasi si canoy nun). pero isa ka sa kakaunting tumatawag sakin by my first name simula pa dati. naaalala ko pa, sinabi mo sakin nun na ayaw mong tinatawag ang tao by his/her last name. ako din naman ganun. kaya nga sa isang dagat ng tao na tumatawag sa akin ng "bicol" at "bics", euphoria na ang marinig na may tumatawag sa akin ng "ivan". wag mo 'to pansinin, one of the simple joys in life ko lang 'to.

simula pa din noon, naramdaman ko na na deep ang pagkatao mo. na act lang ang pagiging maldita mo. sa totoo lang isa ka sa mga pinakamababait sa classroom, at isa ka din sa mga pinaka-approachable. wala ka kasing arte sa katawan, walang bias, maganda ang breeding, at may solid morals. steady rin ang mga pananaw mo sa buhay kaya nakaka-inspire minsan makinig sa sermons mo. i know you'd find this hard to believe pero isa ka sa mga pillars ng section natin, na tinatawag mong pamilya natin. hindi ka nadadala ng kung ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid mo at hindi ka napepressure gawin ang mali kasi alam mo sa sarili mo kung anong gusto mong mangyari.

you're undoubtedly one of the more mature individuals of my friends, of our classmates, at kakaunti lang kayo. siguro kasi alam mo ang both sides of the coin regarding a lot of things: kung paano magsikap at maging maswerte, kung paano maging broken inside at maging sobrang saya, kung paano bumagsak at lumipad, things like that. sa tingin ko nga para kang katulad ko: mukha kang walang pakialam sa mundo at walang mindbreaking at gut-wrenching experiences, pero on a closer touch, madami ka na din nalaman, natutunan at naranasan. kaya siguro strong ka.

hindi ko din makakalimutan ang open-up natin sa isang maduming bench sa calaruega. ikaw lang talaga ang tao sa buong mundo (maliban sa mga taong involved sa storya ko) na nakakaalam ng buong tale na sinabi ko sayo, yung walang director's cut, lahat ng details sinama ko. and i'm quite happy na ikaw ang sinabihan ko, kasi alam mo ang pakiramdam ng katulad ng naramdaman ko nuon. at wag ka mag-alala, yung sinabi mo sa akin doon, itatago ko ng sobrang ingat. i then carried a part of your being with me. and i'm happy for that.

salamat sa lahat ng pagtulong sa akin. salamat din sa walang sawang pakikinig. o nagsasawa ka na ba? hahaha! ikaw naman kasi din ang may kasalanan, marunong ka kasi mag-appreciate ng efforts na ginagawa ng tao at marunong ka makinig. pero sana ituloy mo lang yang kasalanan mong yan. pag ikaw naman ang nangailangan ng makikinig, sabihan mo lang ako. tsaka sorry na din kapag kinukurot kita. para ka kasing stuffed toy. ang lambot. hahaha. videohan mo nalang sarili mong nagbebenta ng bond paper para naman matawa ako.

belated happy birthday, jah. mahal kong kaibigan, eto lang ang nakayanan kong birthday gift sa'yo. pasensya ka na. at sana isend mo sa akin yung retreat letter ko galing sa'yo na hindi ko naman nabasa. di ko naman kasalanan at ginusto na nawala yun e.

talks: closer.

^: "it's been a while."
@: "yeah, it has been.."
^: "so, tell me some more."
@: "well, something's been on my mind for a long time now."
^: "to tell you the truth, there's something in mine as well."
@: "come closer."
^: "i will. it'll be warmer.."

@: "hey.."
^: "mmm?"
@: "how can you tell whether something's right or wrong?"
^: "meaning..?"
@: "..when you can say that what you feel is right, does that mean everything's right?"
^: "i guess that's not always the case.."
@: "when you feel afraid, melancholic, and anxious of something that's right, does that make it wrong?"
^: "people see 'right' and 'wrong' differently from each other.."
@: "i've been thinking about what's right and what's not lately since forever; and in the process, i think i forgot their definitions already."
^: "you know, i feel it's better if you just pursue happiness regardless.."

^: "..though, i know it's hard. some things will not go your way.."
@: "mmm."
^: "but don't you think it'd be better if you chase what you cherish without holding back?"
@: "..that takes some bravery."
^: "..and just accept everything that will come with it."
@: "that's not a certain way of being happy."
^: "it isn't. we're all vulnerable and scared and frantic, but we still have to try. after all, we all long for happiness.."

@: "it's not easy."
^: "yes. but it will be worth it."

@: "so, what's on your mind?
^: "mm..?"
@: "..you said there's also something on yours."
^: "well, i've been worried."
@: "of what?"
^: "..of the possibility of people growing apart."
@: "but, that's part of life."
^: "it's still scary, all the same."

^: "does it bother you too?"
@: "a bit. but when everything falls into place, it really wouldn't matter."

^: "..so, i don't have to worry, then."
@: "you think so?"
^: "yes. can you tell why?"
@: "no. why?"
^: "because you're close."
@: "is this enough?"
^: "actually, it is. but if you could move a bit closer.."
@: "that's easy."
^: "come here."

a b c d e f g h i j k l

i don't often talk about love - the romantic kind. looking back at my entries pretty much supports that. i write about everyday experiences, friendship, life, growth, even the qualities i'd like in a woman; but rarely specifically about love. i don't know why, might be because i find it juvenile and pretentious, talking about it. also, most of the things that are written or said for love often goes down to outbursts of bitterness or preachy teachings (and sometimes, i-know-it-all ramblings).

we all have our beliefs and views on love and let's leave it to that. so don't worry, i won't lesson you or force onto you what i believe is the truth about it. only you'd know what it would feel like.

then, what will it be like, for me?

perhaps it's when i feel like she's the female incarnate of my parents' personality - because i'm quite sure that i can live for the rest of my life taking care of my parents and never get weary. that feeling. or possibly it's when we can spend hours, days, being completely quiet and hushed and be comfortable with that peace, never being pressured to break the silence just because. or maybe it's when every sunday, she'd battle out my uban (white hair, trust me, i have a lot of those) while i polish her nails (and she'd let me get away messing up her nail-art). or talk endlessly, about endless fun and the goodness of life, until we end up stupidly grinning and tired and satisfied. or probably it's when we don't even feel the need to prove ourselves one valentine's day and instead call up the entire family to spend it with us. it'd be fun, with wine and laughter and stuff. then, we'll dance like crazy by the seashore when no one's looking and crack ourselves silly.

to the tune of some bossa nova wave

of course we wouldn't always be up in the air, but our share of pain will be exactly - our share of pain. no hans solo. but i'd like to believe that when everything's in place and we both feel home, safe - an embrace is enough. some things are better than words and physical intimacy; like sitting back side by side and sleeping soundly together. dear me, simple man.

i wrote a lot, and i should stop now, entirely, because i need to take off the suit of adolescence and romanticism altogether. though really, i still cannot describe what love actually is. well, we'll know it when it comes, right?

or, when it is here. when, it, is, here.